Wal-Mart; the Homo Sapien Sapien Playground
Is there anyplace best to observe the human spirit, nay, human interaction than Walmart? (Jane Goodall, anyone?) You have to be an observer in Walmart, sometimes even a detective. I can’t recall how many times I have been in the store and saw … something. Now, I can almost always rule out aliens, apes, and monkeys. The person in question walks upright, 2 legs & 2 arms, torso and head, most definitely wearing clothes. However, I can’t discern whether or not the something is either a female or male of the species. Even the hairstyle is ambiguous, whether it’s short or long or spiked. I even saw one with a Mohawk and couldn’t figure it out. A Mohawk I tell you, sheesh.
I’m all for show of skin, in moderation. I sometimes am known for showing a little bit cleavage, maybe wear a short skirt (not too short! I ain’t no trash thank you). I’m in the school of thought that if you show less up top, cover on the bottom and vice versa. You have to prioritize, show them what you want and focus on one thing. I believe most people in Walmart didn’t get that memo. I have seen people with shorts up to there (like Hello there butt cheek, how you doin?) and shirts that could fit a prepubescent girl (I don’t want to know how your back, belly button, shoulders, top of breasts, and arms look like but now that I do, not that I was looking, you should really know that theres a gym across the street. Just. Over. There.)
I’m not even going to write anything about the people who can walk but are too, ummm overwieght?, and then they get on those electric motors that beep when they go in reverse. Nope, not even going to go there.
Then there are the packs. Is it called a troop, or band? Usually, it’s late 20′s gangsters, teenage gangsters, teenage girls, families, Trashy Women (the worst in my opinion; see previous section on lack of clothes) and the lone ranger. Lets do a rundown shall we?
Late 20′s gangsters: Lots of tattoos, foul language being spoken, an uncanny ability to make my skin crawl, yet surprisingly can be very polite when asking a question about where a certain condiment could be located at. Danger level: low-med. Depends on how many there are and how much they have, ahem, consumed before the almighty trip to Walmart.
Teenage gangsters: Usually all boys yet curiously with 1 or more female “mascots” that laughs too much and talks in too high a voice. Usually dressed to impress. By that I mean over sized jeans, or more confounding than that the skin tight low riders that young males are wearing (WTH???) a printed screen t-shirt and throw in some bracelets maybe some eyeliner (males and females) and you got yourself the raddest bunch of youngins on the block. Danger level: low. just try to use your elementary school vocab words when you’re around them or you might confuse them thereby sending them into a delirium crazed brain overload.
Teenage girls: Now I am a female, I was a teenager. I pray to God I didn’t act like this, and if I did don’t tell me. They go in packs. Skin tight packs. The clothes, the proximity of each other. Like a school of fish they are. You can tell if you look (don’t make eye contact) who is the Alpha Bitch. She, through subtle clues of body language, somehow conveys direction, who to make fun of, who is above standard thereby worthing of making eye contact with, and the overall atmosphere of the pack. I have seen pack members quake in a Alpha Bitch’s subtle piercing gaze of scorn or flower like the sun itself is rising just for that member to get a tan on her white ass. Danger level: High. if you have low self-worth/esteem/confidence and low sense of self this pack will whittle you down to the size of a grain of sand if you so as much as look at them without a non-verbal acceptance first.
Families: You know who they are. It’s the family with the screaming kid. The Mom that starts screaming from the cash registers to the fabric section. “FAITH!” “FAAAIIITTTTHHHH!!!” (true story, everybody stopped, even the teenage girls stopped, everyone was still with the name FAITH ricocheting off all hard surfaces) The parents who let their overweight toddler eat skittles while sitting in the back of the cart (true story, so sad!) Danger level: low-high. depending on your sensitivity to sounds could be highly dangerous, and if you are somehow deemed the SAFETY! when kids are playing tag. If you are good at avoidance you’re good to go.
Trashy Women: By oneself or with others. Never seen more than 4 together at one time. Always has at least 1 wear the least amount of clothing possible with total disregard for public eyesight. They feel empowered, full of misplaced confidence. They are the SHIT. I say you should wear that much clothing in the privacy of your own home when trying to get it on but thats me. Danger level: med. you might have to explain anatomical parts to your children and who wants to do that in Walmart?
Lone Ranger: Anomaly. Either wears too much clothes in the heat of summer or too little in the cold of winter. Sometimes mumbling could be heard when around such a person. No discernible words but you just know s/he’s going over the equation to e=mc² or repeating the mantra about staying calm and cool and collected in crowded places. Danger level: low-med. don’t bump into or get in the way of the lone ranger or s/he might surprise you in a not so happy way
Sometimes Scientist set up elaborate climate, environmental controlled studies to observe human behavior. Save some money and go to Walmart.
